Pop in “The Doors” and grab a case of brew. Anytime Jim Morrison drinks you drink!

The Rules: (Simple enough for Lister to understand)

Okay, Here’s what you do. Simply start watching Red Dwarf and if something happens that is included in the list below you have 1 (one) drink, shot or whatever you like. Under 18s might wish to have cheezels or spoonfuls of nutella, pizza, or something else legal, if you prefer. Take more if necessary (it isn’t), or if you want to (you won’t). The game might get a little hectic at times and no responsibility is taken for hospitalisation of any players (Yes, that means you, Simon). Best effect (unconsciousness) is achieved with back to back viewings, i.e. the whole of series IV, for example. Ready? Well then, "Smoke me a kipper, I’ll be back for breakfast!" (with a hangover).

And don’t do anything Lister wouldn’t do!

Lister:

• Drink every time Lister has a Lager
• Every time he refers to an old lover (double if he does this especially to make Rimmer feel bad)
• Have a double whenever he mentions Kristine Kochanski.
• Also, every time Lister is seen eating a curry (or other Indian Food)
• Mustn’t forget to partake whenever he plays his guitar (or threatens to).
• One for each joke about Lister being not or barely human.
• Have a drink when a reference is made to any of Lister’s undergarments.
• Drink whenever he enters an artificial reality computer game. Double if he does so to have sex.

Rimmer:

• Every time someone insults Rimmer.
• And every time he insults someone back, or just does it anyway.
• Every time Rimmer does something mean to someone else.
• One drink for each embarrassing fact exposed about him. (e.g. his middle name)
• Also, every time he mentions one of his dull hobbies or interests (Risk, Hammond Organs, 20th Century Telegraph poles.)
• One for every whinge about being dead (this applies mostly to series I and II)
• Have one when Rimmer shows his love of military battles or mentions a great general.
• A drink for each Space Corp Directive mis-quoted.
• Drink when Rimmer thinks that aliens exist or even are nearby.

Ace Rimmer:

• Whenever Ace Rimmer says: "Smoke me a kipper, I’ll be back for breakfast!"
• One drink whenever Ace calls Lister "Skipper".
• Or whenever anyone says "What a guy!" about Ace Rimmer.

Cat:

• One drink if the Cat mentions an "old cat saying".
• Take a big slurp when Cat mention his favourite pastimes (like: sex, food, sleep, etc.)
• Drink each time the Cat goes "Aaaooooww!" (y’know what I mean)
• Have a drink when he wants to go out with any woman (Wilma Flintstone, Simulant, whoever)
• Don’t forget to drink when the Cat praises his own good looks, Double if he claims to be centre of the universe.
• One drink everytime he has a costume change
• Drink if the Cat refers to Lister and Rimmer as "monkeys" (First Series)
• Have another glass or two if Duane Dibbley shows up. You’ll need it.
• Throw back another whenever the Cat ’smells’ something, or his sense of smell is referred to by another crew member. Double if he says his nostril hairs are vibrating.

Kryten:

• Scul each time Kryten has to explain something to someone
• Drink whenever he is seen ironing, cooking or doing the laundry.
• Have a glass every time Kryten’s head is described (e.g. "amusingly shaped ice-cube")
• A drink for each time he corrects a Space Corp Directive quoted by Rimmer.
• One per each add-on appliance that he can attach mentioned (or seen) Double if he mentions an accident with his groinal socket or groinal attachment.
• Drink for each "old android saying".
• Every time he speaks something in binary or hex (e.g. 001100111…. or whatever)
• A drink for each time he offers to kill himself for doing something stupid or as a sacrifice to save the crew.
• Drink whenever he enters a mode, such as "smug mode", "lie mode", etc.

Holly:

• Drink every time Holly is stupid. (this rule can be dangerous…)
• Drink when he/she has troubles with numbers or just with counting.
• One drink when Holly uses a pop culture word, like "Dude" and "Oi!"
• Have a drink whenever Holly has to explain something to someone.
• One for every reference to his/her IQ, or lack of.
• Take a drink whenever Holly pulls a prank on anyone.
• Also, drink if Holly actually does something right. (I mean something that rare needs celebration)
• A drink whenever Holly’s head appears on something other than a TV screen on a wall. (i.e. Lister’s watch, Kryten’s stomach.)

Kochanski:

• Drink every time she complains about being in a parallel universe
• Have a drink whenever she complains about the food
• And also one every time she complains about Lister’s habits
• Double when Lister tries to make a pass at her or flirt and is cut dead
• One every time she is seen wearing that tight red rubber outfit
• Double every time Cat calls her "officer-bud-babe"
• Drink when she demonstrates how spoilt she is
• And drink every time she is sarcastic (applies to early episodes also) or makes a snooty comment
• One drink whenever she refers to "Her Dave".

Skutters:

• One drink per each Skutter seen (Quite dangerous sometimes… e.g. "Parallel Universe")
• Drink when the skutters play Indians and Cowboys or prove that they are John Wayne fans.
• Of course, drink when they annoy Rimmer.
• Double if they do the "hand" signal they specially reserve for Rimmer when annoying him.

Talkie Toaster:

• Drink whenever Talkie offers anyone a slice of toast.
• Double if he offers any other type of toasted product.
• Have a drink when he offers an opinion on something.
  (Important: These rules are not recommended for "White Hole". If you wish to do so, why not just have a bottle each and forget about it. Series I and II are probably better options for these

Polymorph:

• One drink for each disgusting and/or salivating monster it transforms into
• Also have one when it turns into cute furry animal or toy.
• Take a drink each time a member of the crew has a false alarm about what/where the polymorph is.
• And Double when they don’t notice it and it’s right under their noses.

Drinking with friends:

For when you are playing with a group, drink when a fellow fan.

• Drink when ever someone quotes a line. (Double if they do it along with the character)
• Drink continuously whenever someone argues about the rules of this game.
• A drink and a cheer for anyone who dressed up in Red Dwarf merchandise (hats, tees, socks, etc.)
• And a hearty toast for anyone who actually dressed up like a Red Dwarf crew member.
• Drink yet another one when someone spots a continuity error.
• One drink per player who is no longer capable of playing, to help make up for them no longer drinking their share.
• And hide under the couch if anyone comes dressed like Holly (i.e. no body)!

General:

• Always cheer then drink when they say Red Dwarf.
• Sing and imbibe continually when the theme song is played or heard in the background. Yes, this can include the credits.
• Actually, drink whenever anyone sings. Applies to "I’m gonna eat you little fishie" and even the "Ohm" song.
• Drink if something wierd happens.
• Drink if something gross happens. (Applies mostly to Lister.)
• One drink for every mention of a small, furry animal or a kipper.
• Have drink for each hostile entity they meet that probably wants to kill them (should be some almost every episode)
• Have another if the hostile entity can’t shoot straight, allowing the crew to survive against impossible odds.
• A Drink for each reference made to the Danish moron (or even just plain old "Petersen").
• Celebrate the usual way when they send up/parody something from another sci-fi show. Double if they’re spoofing any Star Trek.
• Lemming Rule (optional): One drink per "smeg", "smegging", etc. (‘Bodyswap’ will get tricky) (Note: Rimmer insult rule also applies for "smeghead", i.e. take 2 drinks if someone insults Rimmer with "Smeghead")
• Have a drink for every "old human saying" – Double if in reply to an "old cat saying"
• One drink per crude joke.
• Drink whenever they crash Starbug.
• Have a drink when there is a mention of a practical joked played on someone or one is done to someone. (Double if done to Rimmer)
• If suicidal, I suppose you could also have a drink for any joke about, or reference to, sex.
• And when any member of the crew starts to resemble a smoked kipper you should finish the bottle and go home!

The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society suggests this:
For safety reasons, pick one thing from each category and only use those rules. This may extend the life-span of your game (and yourself) a little. Or just use one category.

Disclaimer: Any injury resulting from this game is mostly your fault and anyway you had fun doing it, didn’t you?! I mean, people who take this game seriously should be given a double lobotomy and ten rolls of rubber wall paper.

The Game:

• Get the movie Rainman.
• Buy beer.
• Whenever Raymond has an outburst drink for as long as his outburst lasts.
• Whenever Raymond says “Vern”, “Walbrook”, or “definitely”, drink once.
• Add any other words you wish to the above list.
• The winner is the participant who watches the entire movie.

NOTE: +# represents how many additional drinks should be added to the original number.
Example: If the Wings score and it’s Fedorov from Yzerman: 1+2+2=5 drinks.

It starts with a room full of people, the more the merrier. The object is to ask a question when it is your turn, but this is much more difficult than it seems. The rules are:

1. Obviously, the infraction of any rule is punishable by a drink.
2. You can only ask one person one question at a time.
   1. The person who asks the question must address the person queried by name; no pointing. (newcomers to a crowd are allowed some leeway until they learn names.)
   2. The questions must be answerable by "yes" or "no". (This rule is optional, but be certain beforehand if it will be observed.)
3. The person asked the question must immediately ask another person
   1. Any hesitation, answering the question, laughing, or doing anything else besides asking somebody else a question is punishable by a drink.
   2. Asking a question back at the person who asked is punishable by a drink.
   3. Any question can be asked only once. Simply rephrasing somebody else’s question is a cheat. A person who repeats a question must take a drink.

Other notes:

If the crowd cracks up (after, for example, a spectacularly personal question), a "Team Drink" is called.

The best way to play is to keep a question or two rolling around in your head, to be spewed out after you are asked a question. Good questions are the innocent sounding ones: "Has the game started yet?" "Is it past midnight?" "Is that button on your shirt undone?"

The other best way to play is to get personal (the game usually descends to this level fairly quickly): "Do you often pick your nose like that?" "Do you masturbate often?" "Are your breasts really 36DD?" "Does your girlfriend arch when you make love?"

You can see the game demonstrated (after a fashion) in the tennis court scene in Rosencrantz and Guilderstern Are Dead.

Obviously, it is possible to avoid a 50% possibility of performing an "activity" by simply continuing to pass… but this also means you drink *every* time. Eventually, you might decide to risk it.

Now if you are the chaser… you are more or less at the mercy of the runner.

Each turn is for only one question, and the runner and chaser position each rotates one person clockwise each turn. Everyone gets to play.

The best way to play this game is if you are all seated near each other (like at a table).

The first player guesses if the card that the dealer flips over is going to be a red or a black card.

If the player guesses right then he/she guesses again.
If the player is right again then he/she is passed and the next player goes. If the player guesses wrong then he/she either has to take a chug of his/her beer and the next player goes.

If the player guesses wrong then he/she guesses again after taking a sip of their beer. If the player is wrong again then he/she has to finish their beer and the next player goes. If the player guesses right then he/she is passed and the next player goes.

Add to and adjust as needed.

Have one sip of the cheapest beer per successfully met condition:

Homer:

• "D’oh!" –2 sips if it’s not Homer
• eats donuts
• drools
• has an erection

Lisa:

• mentions humanity
• participates in another dike feminist cause
• plays the sax –2 sips if one sings with her playing

Bart:

• makes crank phone call –2 sips if someone dies from prank
• goes to france –2 sips if he goes to Amman, Jordan

Grandpa Simpson:

• complains
• writes a complaint letter –3 sips

Marge:

• hair casts a giant shadow
• kisses Homer
• growls at Homer
• douches

Marge’s sisters:

• are in a scene –3 sips if they are separated
• smoke –2 sips if they shootup

Flanders:

• mention God –5 sips if they convert to Islam

Itchy and Scratchy:

• are in a scene
• one of them dies –10 sips if Scratchy sodomizes Itchy
• their theme song is played

Maggie:

• falls down
• says something in a flash forward
• urinates and excrements in her tight silk panties

And one sip for the following:

• a warm fuzzy happy ending where the family gets closer together.
• a life in hell type character is shown
• someone talks to God or Allah
• CARASSO is seen in Moe’s tavern

by carasso@netcom.com (RDC)